Tales from the Barber Shop

I got my haircut yesterday, I pay a whopping $14 for my trims and I am proud of it.  I guess some might call my style a "boy's regular"...but hey, it is what is is.  Anyway, back to the haircut.  During my lunch break, I decide to go visit my new regular Barber Shop in Belmont.  A couple months ago, one of the nice Muslim dudes in there gave Ben his first "real" haircut, I mean besides that token couple of snips of the scissors at Snip Its.  He got the real deal here, clippers and all.  At that time, I got my hair cut too and was pleasantly surprised by the price, a whopping 5 bucks cheaper then my other place in Watertown.  They don't use the hot shaving cream and straight razor, but I could deal with that if I was gonna save 5 bucks. 

So I sit down in the chair and listen in on the guy in the chair to my left:

Guy: yeah they got me squeezing some ball in my hand to get the strength back, but F them, they can't F'n make me go back to work!!!
(my ears perk up...I know right off the bat this guy will provide me some interesting chatter)

Barber: Oh...what do you mean?

Guy: I'm on WorkMAN'S Comp ya know, I got hurt at work so I am home now cuz I can't F'n work!

Barber: Oh, that's too bad.

Guy: Yeah so now I do whatever the F I want ya know?  I mean, they can't make me go back to F'n in work, F them!  I do whatever the F I want.  I get up when I want, I read the F'n Boston Herald ya know?

Barber:  Really just nodding his head and cutting hair at this point.

Guy:  See the top of my head there eh?  No F'n bald spot!  How you like that?  43 F'n years old and I got it all up there?  You see any gray hairs?  F no!  Ha ha!

Barber: You all set for the holidays/Christmas?

Guy: I F'n hate Christmas!  F it!

Barber: What do you mean?

Guy:  It's not the same anymore, my family is gone.  Anyone that says time heals wounds if full of F'n sh!t!  Seventeen years my parents have been gone and it still f'n hurts.  So you know, the holidays come and it just f'n sucks.  So now I got no one, but you now what?  I do whatever the F I want!  No wife, no girlfriend to answer to, I do whatever the F I want, I live every day like it is my last ya know what I'm f'n saying?  An f'n car could crash right through that window right now and kill us both, you hear what happened at the Dunkin Donuts a couple years ago right?  Some f'n old lady hit the gas when she meant to hit the brake and crashed right into the Dunkin F'n Donuts, and killed some poor f'r!

Barber: snip, snip, snip...

Guy: I quit drinking, can you tell I lost weight?  I lost 25 f'n pounds!  I had to drill new f'n holes in my belt and I gotta buy new pants now, all my other pants are fallin the F off me.  32 inch f'n waist!

Barber:  Ahh, how did you lose the weight?

Guy:  You just gotta watch what you eat.  In the morning, even while I am working I eat POP TARTS (said in the most extreme Boston accent for effect).  But you gotta get the ones without the frosting on them, that's all sugar and no good for you.  But you gotta eat something to get your motor running you know what I'm f'n saying?  But no frosting.  Then you drink a lot of water, like f'n eight 20 oz bottles a day.

Barber: Well, good for you.

Guy:  Hey, you gotta cut it a little shorter right here on the sides!

Barber:  Nah, you don't want that, it is good like that.

Guy:  Just F'n cut it right here, I know what I am f'n talkin about.  I where it greased, like F'n Pat Riley you know?  I asked Jason over there (pointing to my barber) if he knew what I was talking about and he just f'n yepped me, saying he knew who the F Pat Riley was, he don't f'n know what I'm talkin about!

Barber:  Okay, (snip, snip, snip)....there you go.  (holds the mirror up)

Guy:  See look at that on top, full head of hair, no bald spot eh?  F'n right!

Barber:  Alright, you're all set

Guy:  Well, you guys have a good....whatever the F you guys celebrate.  You should just lie and tell me you celebrate Christmas, no Christmas, no f'n 20 dollar tip.  Ha ha ....F yeah!

Barbers:  (uncomfortable chuckles, get out of our shop before we kill you)

Guy:  And no f'n Herald here eh?  It f'n costs 50 cents, get the F'n Herald for your customers eh?  (points at the two other barbers) each of them can kick in a quarter to buy the F'n Herald.

Barber: Okay, we'll see.

Guy:  Now I can go home and pull my pudd for the next 8 hours.  Merry Christmas, F that Happy Holidays it's F'n Christmas!

Barbers: (Speaking Arabic in a very disturbed manner)

Me: (Shaking my head) That guy likes the F word huh?

My Barber:  Yeah...he's a character.

Two minutes later, a disabled elderly gentleman gets dropped off by a van and rolls in the door in his wheelchair.
Barber:  Are you all set for Christmas?
Old Guy:  No Christmas for me!
Barber: Oh no?  What do you celebrate?
Old Guy:  HANUKKAH! (proudly pronouncing it like he was hawking a loogie)

Me:  Geez...good thing that other guy just left!